Jonas Hanway having once advertised for a coachman, he had a great number of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms agreed on: "But," said he, "my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business of the stable is done, I expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers. To this I suppose you can have no objection."—"Why as to that, sir," replied the fellow, "I doesn't see much to say against it; but I hope you'll consider it in my wages!"
Coleridge, among his other speculations, started a periodical, in prose and verse, entitled The Watchman, with the motto, "that all might know the truth, and that the truth might make us free." He watched in vain! His incurable want of order and punctuality, and his philosophical theories, tired out his readers, and the work was discontinued after the ninth number. Of the unsaleable nature of this publication, he himself relates an amusing illustration. Happening one morning to rise at an earlier hour than usual, he observed his servant girl putting an extravagant quantity of paper into the grate in order to light the fire, and mildly checked her for her wastefulness: "La! sir," replied Nanny; "it's only Watchmen."
The Marquis of Granby having returned from the army in Germany, travelled with all possible expedition from the English port at which he landed to London, and finding on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, he proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where desiring to be instantly introduced to his majesty, a certain lord came forward, who said he hoped the noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so improper a habit, adding, "'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a groom than a gentleman."—"Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, "and I give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I will act like a groom, and curry you in a way you won't like."
A young woman meeting her former fellow-servant, was asked how she liked her place. "Very well."—"Then you have nothing to complain of?"—"Nothing; only master and missis talk such very bad grammar, and don't pronounce their H's."
The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper to seek out for a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to the situation. "But, (said the housekeeper) I am afraid that she will not suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are generally loose characters." "What is that you say, said the duke, who had just entered the room. A soldier's wife! Pray, madam, what is your mistress? If that is all her fault, I desire that the woman may be immediately engaged."
It is probable that many queens of the kitchen share the sentiment good-naturedly expressed by a Scandinavian servant, recently taken into the service of a young matron of Chicago.
The youthful assumer of household cares was disposed to be a trifle patronizing.
"Now, Lena," she asked earnestly, "are you a good cook?"
"Ya-as, 'm, I tank so," said the girl, with perfect naiveté, "if you vill not try to help me."—Elgin Burroughs.
"Have you a good cook now?"
"I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast!"
MRS. LITTLETOWN—"This magazine looks rather the worse for wear."
MRS. NEARTOWN—"Yes, it's the one I sometimes lend to the servant on Sundays."
MRS. LITTLETOWN—"Doesn't she get tired of always reading the same one?"
MRS. NEARTOWN—"Oh, no. You see, it's the same book, but it's always a different servant."—Suburban Life.
MRS. HOUSEN HOHM—"What is your name?"
APPLICANT FOR COOKSHIP—"Miss Arlington."
MRS. HOUSEN HOHM—"Do you expect to be called Miss Arlington?"
APPLICANT—"No, ma'am; not if you have an alarm clock in my room."
MISTRESS—"Nora, I saw a policeman in the park to-day kiss a baby. I hope you will remember my objection to such things."
NORA—"Sure, ma'am, no policeman would ever think iv kissin' yer baby whin I'm around."
"And do you have to be called in the morning?" asked the lady who was about to engage a new girl.
"I don't has to be, mum," replied the applicant, "unless you happens to need me."
A maid dropped and broke a beautiful platter at a dinner recently. The host did not permit a trifle like this to ruffle him in the least.
"These little accidents happen 'most every day," he said apologetically. "You see, she isn't a trained waitress. She was a dairymaid originally, but she had to abandon that occupation on account of her inability to handle the cows without breaking their horns."
Young housewives obliged to practice strict economy will sympathize with the sad experience of a Washington woman.
When her husband returned home one evening he found her dissolved in tears, and careful questioning elicited the reason for her grief.
"Dan," said she, "every day this week I have stopped to look at a perfect love of a hat in Mme. Louise's window. Such a hat, Dan, such a beautiful hat! But the price—well, I wanted it the worst way, but just couldn't afford to buy it."
"Well, dear," began the husband recklessly, "we might manage to—"
"Thank you, Dan," interrupted the wife, "but there isn't any 'might' about it. I paid the cook this noon, and what do you think? She marched right down herself and bought that hat!"—Edwin Tarrisse.