A Scotsman is one who prays on his knees on Sunday and preys on his neighbors on week days.
It being the southerner's turn, he told about a county in Missouri so divided in sentiment that year after year the vote of a single man prohibits the sale of liquor there. "And what," he asked, "do you suppose is the name of the chap who keeps a whole county dry?"
Nobody had an idea.
"Mackintosh, as I'm alive!" declared the southerner.
Everybody laughed except the Englishman. "It's just like a Scotsman to be so obstinate!" he sniffed, and was much astonished when the rest of the party laughed more than ever.
A Scottish minister, taking his walk early in the morning, found one of his parishioners recumbent in a ditch.
"Where hae you been the nicht, Andrew?" asked the minister.
"Weel, I dinna richtly ken," answered the prostrate one, "whether it was a wedding' or a funeral, but whichever it was it was a most extraordinary success."