A newspaper reporter phoned to ask the title of a speech to be given at the arts festival. Actually the speech title was "Moods in Water Colors," but in the newspaper it appeared "Nudes in Water Colors." There was an overflow crowd.
It is said that Phineas T. Barnum, the famed circus magnate, hung a large sign over one of the exits of his museum, which read, "This way to the egress." Many people in the crowds, eager to see what an egress looked like, passed through the door and found themselves out on the street.
Carol: "Daddy, who is Richard Stands?
Dad: "I never heard of him.
Carol: "He must be an important person."
Carol: "When we pledge allegiance to the flag in school we say, 'I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for Richard Stands.'"
A clerk, checking over an applicant's papers, was amazed to note the figures 127 and 123 in the spaces reserved for "Age of father, if living," and "Age of mother, if living."
"Surely," said the surprised clerk, "Your parents aren't that old?"
"Nope," was the answer, "but they would be, if living.'
The large volume of newspaper space given to fast-developing missile news apparently confused two inebriated Washington sightseers recently. As they passed the Washington Monument, a small fire in the elevator sent billows of smoke out the Monument door. One leaned to the other: "I'll give you 8 to 5," he said, "it won't take off!"
A little girl took much too long returning from the store where she had been sent on an errand by her mother and she was asked, "What on earth took you so long?"
"I was watching the devil's funeral," she replied.
"What do you mean—the devil's funeral?" her astonished mother asked.
"Well, I was watching the cars of the funeral go by and counting them, and a man next to me said the poor devil was only sick about a week."—Capper's Weekly
Lecturing his teenage son on temperance, a father proclaimed, "There are at least 15 saloons in this town and I haven't been in one of them."
"Which one is that?" asked the son.
"When I applied for that job, the manager had the nerve to ask if my punctuation is good."
"What did you tell him?"
"I said I'd never been late for work in my life."