A woman mounted the steps of the elevated station carrying an umbrella like a reversed saber. An attendant warned her that she might put out the eye of the man behind her.
"Well, he's my husband!" she snapped.
OLD MONEY (dying)—"I'm afraid I've been a brute to you sometimes, dear."
YOUNG WIFE—"Oh, never mind that darling; I'll always remember how very kind you were when you left me."
An inveterate poker player, whose wife always complained of his late hours, stayed out even later than usual one night and tells in the following way of his attempt to get in unnoticed:
"I slipped off my shoes at the front steps, pulled off my clothes in the hall, slipped into the bedroom, and began to slip into bed with the ease of experience.
"My wife has a blamed fine dog that on cold nights insists on jumping in the bed with us. So when I began to slide under the covers she stirred in her sleep and pushed me on the head.
"'Get down, Fido, get down!' she said.
"And, gentlemen, I just did have presence of mind enough to lick her hand, and she dozed off again!"
MR. HOMEBODY—"I see you keep copies of all the letters you write to your wife. Do you do it to avoid repeating yourself?"
MR. FARAWAY—"No. To avoid contradicting myself."
There is gladness in his gladness, when he's glad,
There is sadness in his sadness, when he's sad;
But the gladness in his gladness,
Nor the sadness in his sadness,
Isn't a marker to his madness when he's mad.