Dear Mother used to sit and sew,
While listening to the radio
Our sox were darned, our buttons tight;
Neatly she mended every night.
Two buttons off Dad's shirt I see
—for who can sew and watch TV?—Sunshine Magazine
I was going to spend the whole day in a nearby town so, before leaving, I pinned a note inside the front door for my teenage daughter. I returned earlier than expected and was upstairs when my daughter came in with a bevy of teenagers.
I heard one boy exclaim, "Is this where your mother leaves notes?"
She said, "Sure. Where does your mother leave yours?"
As if it made sense, he said, "In the refrigerator!"—Pueblo Chieftain
To be honest, the real reason it's so hard to bring up children right is that they insist on imitating their parents.
The average man has probably thought twice about running away from home—once as a child and once as a husband.
It was Saturday morning and while they were having breakfast, Mr. Smith suddenly announced that he didn't have to go to the office that morning.
"Well, don't think: said his wife, "that you're going to run off to play golf today and leave me alone with all this work to do."
"Why, golf is the furthest thing from my mind," replied the hus-band, gnawing at his breakfast, "and please pass me the putter."—Wall Street Journal
"Help your wife," advises one home economics specialist "When she washes the dishes, wash the dishes with her. When she mops the floor, mop up the floor with her."
No nation has ever prospered in which family life was not held sacred.—Dean Inge, Ladies Home Journal
Oscar was careless about his personal effects When his mother saw clothing scattered about on the chair and floor, she inquired: "Who didn't hang up his clothes when he went to bed?"
A muffled voice from under the covers murmured, "Adam."—Micky Moran, Quote
Father to his teenage son: "I'm worried! Your mother isn't home! She could be lying unnoticed, seriously hurt in some bargain basement!"—Dick Turner, Detroit News
A henpecked husband finally put his foot down—he ordered his kids not to bother him while he was washing the dishes.
John was showing his girl friend the old family album. Pointing to a picture of himself as a small boy sitting on his father's bee, he asked, "How do you like that one?" "Very nice," she replied. "But who is the ventriloquist?"—The Lookout
Sooner or later every husband learns Home Geometry. Here are its main propositions:
Any wife and budget are together greater than a salary.
Any two children will together gang up on a third.
Any baseball season is equal to three broken windows.
The cost of any repair is equal to your worst fears.
The angle of a borrowing neighbor is acute; to lend to him is obtuse; to say no is the right angle.—David Savage, Wall Street Journal
A couple of teenagers, a sister and brother, were overheard talking about their father's birthday "What do you think we ought to get him for a present?" asked the boy.
"I know," said the girl. "Let's let him drive the car."—Harold Helfer, Laugh Book
The businessman was showing his daughter, just returned from finishing school, around the newly completed mansion. At the swimming pool they stopped to watch several young men diving and stunting.
"Oh, Daddy," exclaimed the girl, "and you've stocked it just for me!"—Brushware
"Daughter, I don't mind that young man coming over here every evening, and staying up half the night with you, nor standing on the porch for a couple of hours saying good night, but please ask him to stop taking the morning paper when he leaves."—Pelican
"We take liver tonic every day," said Maisie. "For every spoonful Mom gives us a nickel, which we save."
"That's good!" said the neighbor. "You probably buy something nice for the money you save."
"No," said Maisie, "for the money we save Mom buys more liver tonic."—PAL
A local dad complains about the time his kids spend watching TV: "I have an eight-year-old son who knows only one word—Shhh!'"
The right temperature at home is more surely maintained by the warm hearts and cool heads of those who live there than by electric thermostats.—Treasures
Happy laughter and friendly voices in the house are the best health tonics a child can have. No clinical thermometer or aspirin bottle can replace these.—Eugene P. Bertin, Pennsylvania School Journal
A Chicago wholesaler has trained his pet crow to shout "Spend money!" when a customer walks in. We could use one at our house that yells, "Hang up your coat!"
In a movie the leading man suddenly slapped the heroine in the face. In the silence that followed, a little voice piped up and said, "Mom, why don't she hit him back, like you do?"—Pinky Curran