The child of an English professor rushed into the room, reports NBC-TV's Johnny Carson, shouting, "Daddy, the baby has fell out of the window." The professor replied: "'Fallen,' you mean. Quick, run for the doctor."—T. O. White
A group of professional men had gathered in the lobby of a hotel where a banquet was being given, and they proceeded to make themselves known to each other.
"My name is Rodale," said one extending his hand. "I'm a painter, work in water colors, chiefly."
"I'm particularly happy to know you," replied the other. "I'm an artist, too. I work in bronze."
"Now, isn't that a coincidence?" chimed in a third "I happen to be a sculptor, I work in marble"
Then a quiet fellow, bespectacled and with a short beard, who had been inclined to keep apart, stepped up and extended his hand. "Glad to make the acquaintance of you gentlemen," he said, "for I have a common interest with you. I work in ivory. I'm a college professor."—The Bronze
Advice to new college faculty member: "You're likely to be nervous at first, but don't let it upset you. I, too, was frustrated, bewildered, and subdued. It works like this, so don't worry: The first year you're on the staff, you will ask yourself 'what am I doing here?' After a while you will have another question, `what are the rest of 'em doing here?'"
Now here, it seems, we have a prof
Who is a bit inclined to scoff,
A man of erudition vast
Who's also an iconoclast.
He says, while peering through his glasses,
That students ought to cut more classes,
He seems in earnest, sounds devoted,
And knows darned well that he'll be quoted.
Yes, Students, if they would succeed,
Should simply get a book and read,
Not waste their time, or think they're working,
With lectures long and dull and irking.
Professor, you are quite a card,
Held high in popular regard.
We'll think of you, with some enjoyment,
When you are looking for employment.—Quote
It should be the chief aim of a university professor to exhibit himself in his own true character—that is an ignorant man think-ing, actively utilizing his small share of knowledge.—Alfred North Whitehead
A theory is better than money in the bank. You can't get ahead in this profession unless you publish a theory—any theory.—Andrew Halpin, Administrative Theory in Education
The professor returned to his classroom after grading all the latest examination papers. He requested that the students sit down.
"If you all stood up now, it is conceivable that you might form a circle—in which case I could be arrested for maintaining a dope ring."—Santa Fe Magazine
Dinner guest: "Will you pass the nuts, professor?"
Absent-minded professor: "I suppose so, but they should flunk."—The Lookout
"So you use three pairs of glasses, Professor?"
"Yes, one pair for long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two."—The Lookout
The professor at a small college was trying to obtain a raise but the local farmers on the committee were solidly against it. They couldn't understand why the college should pay him more for just talking a few hours a week.
Then, a faculty representative spoke forth, "Gentlemen, a college professor is a little like a bull. It's not the amount of time he spends. It's the importance of what he does!"—Inspiration
A professor of law once advised his students: "When you're fighting a case, if you have the facts on your side, hammer them into the jury. If you have the law on your side, hammer it into the judge."
"But, sir, what if you have neither the facts nor the law?" inquired one student.
"Then," answered the professor, "hammer the table!"
In today's economy more than one college professor has one big financial problem—running out of money before running out of month.—T. O. Winn
News Item—The dean of women at an Eastern college told the student body "the president and I have decided to stop necking on the campus." ( And it's about time, too.)
Professor of English to a sophomore student: "Your vocabulary is mean and impoverished, but entirely adequate to express your thoughts."—Kreolite News
The professor approached the men's hat area of a bargain basement in Chicago. There were three tables of unboxed sub-perfect pieces of headgear in complete disarray. A variety of would-be customers were putting on, taking off the bargain priced hats.
Finally, the professor's eye fell on a few he decided to try on for size. First at one table, then the other, he tried hats which were too small. All at once the ludicrous thought occurred to him, "What if I left my own hat on a table and someone buys it." Frantically, he tried to recall where he had placed it. When he finally remembered the depositary, sure enough, there it was being tried on along with the others. He retrieved it before it was sold. I know, because I was the professor.
If only I had bought my own hat I could have then been called an absolutely absent-minded professor.—M. Dale Baughman