Spotted on the desk of a college football coach: "It's remark. able how many people have 20-20 hindsight."—T. O. White, Tow Lines
A coach was being congratulated on having a lifetime contract. "I guess it's all right," he said. "But I remember another guy with a lifetime contract. Had a bad year, and the president called him in, pronounced him dead and fired him."—Sports Illustrated
The symptoms of laziness and fatigue are almost identical and only a few persons can tell the difference; for instance, coaches.—Crow's Nest
Our coach's five-year-old son frequently attends football practice, and at home, the coach observed his son put water in a coke bottle, take a long drink from it, grab his little football and run, like mad, down the alley. Then he came running back to drink again from the coke bottle. After this procedure had been repeated several times, the coach said, "Son, you're going to drown yourself. Why do you drink that water?" "That's the way football boys do, daddy," was the answer.—Alice Grant, West Frankfort, Illinois
Superintendent: "No, I can't give you a job. I've had so many applicants for coaching jobs I can't remember their names."
Coach: "Can't you give me a job keeping track of them?"—Commerce
A minor sport is one in which the coach earns a paltry remuneration, only slightly more than a full professor, for example.
One of the coaches on my staff once assigned an eighth grade English class to write themes on great men. One lad wrote very briefly:
Paul Revere was a great man. He had a horse. His name was Charlie.
Perhaps only an athletic coach can see the humor here.—George Shive, Annaway, Illinois
And did you hear about the coach who booed the zebras in a circus? Can't stand anything wearing stripes.
"Excuse me, sir, I notice you are coaching that football team very well. It must take years of experience to produce a top-flight football coach."
"Oh goodness, I'm really not a football coach. I'm a nuclear physicist. I just do this between wars."
"I see. Do you think every man should be a football coach?"
"No I think every man should be a nuclear physicist. There is more job security. A football coach can hang for his mistakes. Hanging is old fashioned and messy. But a nuclear physicst makes one mistake and wham!—everyone goes out with him. That's real togetherness."
"With a nuclear physicist as coach, your school must have strict academic requirements."
"Well, we have 39 physics and mathematics majors on our squad. None of them play at the moment. But we have hopes. And they're simply great at counting downs."
"But don't you think coaches should be required to play their most brilliant students? Don't you think it would make a bright light on the horizon of education?"
"Really now I think that is something every coach should decide for himself."—Bon Collins, Indianapolis Sunday Star
A football coach, was asked by a fellow coach how he picked a team from a bunch of raw recruits.
"I hate to give away my secrets: he replied, "but I'll tell you. I take them out into the woods. Then, at a given signal I start them running. Those that run around the trees are chosen as guards; those that run into the trees are chosen as tackles."
Things a basketball coach gets tired of hearing:
"The Board of Education wants to see you."
"Can't you even teach them to shoot free-throws?"
"Well, at least he builds character."
"What did you think about their last-second three point play?"
"You can't win them all."
"My Billy says you make him sit on the bench all the time."
"Okay, fatso, what's your excuse this time?"
"Looks like another building year, eh, coach?"
"Send me in coach."
"How do those state tournament hopes look now, buddy?"
"Your center won't be able to walk on that ankle until at least next May."
"You've got seven men on the court!"
"What you need is a good big man."
"Uh, you forgot your lucky red tie tonight, coach."
"The manager left the basketballs in their locker room."
"The manager is locked in our locker room."
"That's five fouls on the big man, coach."
"That's your last time out."
"It's a six-block walk to the dressing room."
"How could you compare them to Pumpkin Center Tech?"
"Why don't you start the cheerleaders this game?"
"Hey, Baldy, how much basketball have you played?"
"What did you tell them at halftime?"
"We forgot the uniforms."
"Three of your starters just went ineligible."
"The driver can't remember where he parked the bus."
"They may only average 5-3, but they're fast."
"Hogwash Hollow just had three seven-foot all-staters transferred from California." "Who do you think you are? Adolph Rupp?"
"Back to the bean bags."
"Got any extra tickets for the state tournament?"
"Ever hear of defense, coach?"
"Ever hear of offense, coach?"
"Who's got the scorebook?"
"That was their second team."
"They want fifty per cent of the gate."
"He's grooming his three-year-old kid to take over for him ... next season."
"At least he's a good loser."—Roger Ebert, Champaign-Urbana News-Gazette